Why am I in So Much Credit Card Debt?

As some guy once said, an unexamined life is not worth living.

Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash

I am in a massive amount of credit card debt. And no, I’m not going to tell you the number. I can barely utter it aloud to myself without spiraling. I say mean things to myself every time I think about it.

But perhaps worse — or maybe it’s a blessing — it makes me wonder if I even know who I am, because I obviously shouldn’t be in this situation. I have a good job and no kids; I’m supposed to be the rich one in this simulation. And because it shouldn’t be like this, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I got here, sifting through the wreckage of credit card statements like an archeological dig.

This is an improvement, because there were years when I just ignored the looming financial tsunami, engaging in some sort of magical thinking that it would somehow all work out. Perhaps a wad of cash would land on my windshield while I was stopped at a red light? During those years I had a recurring dream that I was on beach with a huge wave that was about to crash, wiping away me and everyone else on the sand. I tried to warn the other beachgoers, but no one believed me that the wave was coming. By the end, terrified, I would try to scramble to high and dry land before being submerged in water.