When is my Ex-Boyfriend Getting Divorced?
If JLo can do it, so can I is not a thought I have often, or ever really. Her work ethic blows mine out of the water and she also has perfect skin. But when she somehow pulled off the magic trick of getting not only back together with, but married to Ben Affleck after seventeen years, I immediately decided that I too could go and retrieve my ex-boyfriend Marty.
Unfortunately, unlike Affleck at the time JLo scooped him up, Marty is currently married. (The other problem is that I am not JLo). But no matter; by my calculations Marty should be getting divorced any minute now.
Before I get into this analysis, let me take this opportunity admit that I spend way too much time thinking about celebrities’ love lives. When I saw that the Bennifer 2.0 was a thing, I immediately started to wonder how Jennifer Garner was taking it, and obsessively watched her Instagram feed for clues. I’m relieved to report that Garner not only didn’t say a word about it, she also stayed true to her same wonderful geeky self, posting animal videos and being a full nerd in the kitchen.
Personally, I could not be that strong. I know that if my ex took up with one of the hottest women in the world, I would attempt to be hot on social media. The fact that Garner didn’t feel the need to change at all deserves mad respect. I think about this a lot.
I also think way too much about the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie saga. I know I should be over this — Jennifer Aniston had a whole other marriage after Pitt left — but I sometimes wonder if all the war and disease we’ve been dealing with over the last few years are not unrelated to Brad and Jen’s breakup. Would Trump have been elected President but for this tragedy?
In case it isn’t obvious from my conviction that Very Bad Things started to happen due to — or at least after — the Aniston/Pitt divorce, I am rabidly Team Aniston. Angelina Jolie is a fake humanitarian who claims to do a lot for refugees, when the fact is that refugees have done a lot more for her. Her involvement in Pitt and Aniston’s breakup was a part of some evil force, an energy we should really keep locked up somewhere.