Please Verify Your Account

We need to make sure it’s really you.

Photo by Ben Sweet on Unsplash

Please enter the last four digits of your birth year. Please enter the last four digits of your social security number. Please enter your house number. No, not that house, the other house. The one you lived in with five roommates. Great. Please enter your zip code.

Please enter your major in college. Press 1 for liberal arts, 2 for social sciences, 3 for STEM. Okay, I see you pressed 1. What were you thinking? No wonder your interest rate is so high. Please enter your dog’s name.

Please enter the age you were when you lost your virginity. Wow, okay. Please enter the first name of your first sexual partner. Larry, really? Please enter his height. Please enter Larry’s marital status. Press 1 for married, 2 for divorced, 3 for single, and 4 for don’t know. I see you pressed 4. Is Larry not on social media? We’ll have to verify your account another way.

Please enter the city your mother was born in. Please enter the city your father was born in. Please enter the reason your great-grandparents fled to the United States. Press 1 for pogroms, press 2 for famine, press 3 for economic hardship. Okay, pogroms.

Please enter your weight. Please enter your height. Please enter your BMI. That BMI does not match your height and weight. We will have…