Let’s Pass a Law Barring Men from Driving

Driving isn’t in the constitution, and we must protect life at all costs

Adeline Dimond


Photo by Art Markiv on Unsplash

Thank God for the recent Supreme Court decision, Dobbs v. Jackson, overturning Roe v. Wade, because now we can finally ban men from driving. Driving isn’t an articulated right in the constitution, and this is a matter of protecting life. According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, men engage in riskier driving behavior, leading to more fatalities. We have to make sure that innocent victims of car crashes aren’t torn limb from limb. What about their rights? Someone needs to stand up for them.

Men are also less likely to wear their seatbelts (kinda slutty if you ask me) demonstrating that they can’t be trusted with their own bodies. The government must therefore step in. I can hear you objecting, but Adeline, won’t this affect men’s ability to work? Won’t this keep them from fully participating in the economy? If they have to stay home? And to that I say, Lookit, nothing is more important than protecting innocent lives, okay?

Equal Protection Clause you say? No worries. Governments can engage disparate treatment between classes of people if there is a rational basis to do so. Here in Los Angeles, a young punk was speeding up the 5 freeway with no seatbelt and crashed. Then his torso was torn from his body, flew through the air, landed on the sign for the Colorado exit, in full view of all the drivers below. If this isn’t evidence of a rational basis to treat men differently than women, I don’t know what is.

It’s a pretty exciting time! There are just so many other things we can now ban men from doing — the mind boggles — now that the Supreme Court has determined that if a “right” (LOL, what does that even mean anymore?) isn’t expressly articulated in the constitution, states can go hog wild. Personally, I’d like to see the following bans:

  • No more internet and cell phones for men. Why? Unsolicited dick pics. The state has an interest in protecting people from moral decay. And remember, the internet and cell phones are not expressly discussed in the constitution.
  • Guns. Sure, the right to bear arms is an articulated right in the constitution (the Supremes have decided to skip over the…