It’s End Times — What Are You Gonna Have for Dinner?

Time throw away the rulebook

Adeline Dimond


You Guys, It’s End Times

As we all know, it’s end times. And no, I’m not talking about the dictator-in-training in the White House or the cage match on Tuesday night masquerading as the Democratic debate. I’m talking about the fact that China announced this week that it’s sending two thousand ducks to Pakistan to deal with the locust invasion. I guess the ducks are gonna eat the locusts.

I am screaming about this! All I want to do is go kiss those little duckies on their fuzzy little heads and tell them good luck, have fun and pace yourself. This is the same advice I would give anyone going to a buffet.

That the little cute duckies are all I can think about, and not the Pakistani people being stuffed into a blanket of insects, tells you a lot about where my head is. It’s where everyone else’s head is: resigned and yet laughing uncontrollably at totally inappropriate things.

Other evidence that it’s end times includes:

  • When the internet first became a thing, all my librarian friends (yes, I have librarian friends and they are wild) were like, “this is so cool everyone is going to share all sorts of information with each other and it will lead to better understanding” but they totally got that wrong. The internet is just cute cat videos punctuated by rape threats.
  • Polar bears trapped on ice floes. (Yes, I spelled that right. It’s not “flow” mmkay?)
  • My boyfriend ghosted me two weeks ago.
  • My party is about to nominate someone who thinks it’s okay to praise dictators who lock people up for being gay among other fun suppression tactics like forced labor camps. (Whoops — did I say that aloud? Don’t @ me Bernie Bros. I don’t care anymore. I just care about the fuzzy duckies now.)

So now that we know that this is it, it was nice while it lasted, what are we gonna have for dinner? As someone who has 19289393949392949293929 cookbooks and whose go-to move is to roast a chicken for every second date I’ve ever had in order to land a guy (It works. Doesn’t protect against later ghosting though), I have some suggestions.