Current Events with my Jewish Grandmother
What, you don’t want to hear what she thinks?
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On Trump’s indictment
What, you want that I should know why this altekaker thought it would be a good idea to sleep with a porn star and then give her money?
The Manhattan DA seems nice. Do you think he’s single? What. I just want you to find a nice man. Too bad you didn’t freeze your eggs like I told you.
On climate change
You think this is bad. You should have seen the winter in Bialystok when your great-grandfather had to walk to school in ten feet of snow, shoes too small. Then he escaped the Nazis by walking across Europe eating only potatoes. And he still started his own textile business after coming to the United States at fifteen.
That’s why you can now afford to be a freelance writer, living paycheck to paycheck.
No, it’s fine. We are happy to help.
On the protests in Paris and Israel
At least they are getting out there and meeting people. Would it kill you to go to a protest, maybe that science march? How are you going to meet anyone? You’re not getting any younger.
Sarah’s granddaughter just got married to a man she met line dancing. Not Jewish, but she’s almost forty. They had the wedding in Hawaii. Too hot.
On the recent bank failures
Of course those banks plotzed, no one was in charge. Remember when your Aunt Ellie tried to work at your aunt Rachel’s interior design business? Chaos. They still aren’t speaking.
They are trying to kill me.
On Nancy Pelosi
She’s tough but nothing compared to Moira in 2B.
Did I tell you that Moira’s granddaughter became the head of cardiology? Well it won’t kill you to hear the story again. Her husband is the head of oncology, just bought his mother a condo near Moira. They have two beautiful well-behaved boys, who dropped by during their last visit. Ate the entire lunch I made for them. Helped me forget that I never see you.
Of course, I know you’re busy. It’s just that I’ll be dead soon and I don’t want you to feel guilty.
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