Love & Relationships
Cause of Death: He Didn't Text Back
If he doesn’t text you back, you will die. You can only manage the symptoms.
If you are beginning a relationship, and he doesn’t text you back, you will die. This is also true if you are in a long-term relationship that is crashing in slo-mo. It is a metastatic, fatal condition. There is no cure. You can only manage the symptoms.
Here’s what happens: Once you realize that your man — or the man who you want to be your man, or the man you recently slept with, or the man you recently made out with in a Camaro — fails to text you back, a single diseased cell takes up residence in your brain. If this happens once, this tiny cell will likely cause no damage.
However, if multiple men over several years fail to text you back, new diseased cells will be created and congregate in your brain, attaching to that first cell. Like cancer, they will grow, hijacking your brain so that you no longer think about important things, like what to eat or your career or whether to pay your taxes.
Instead, you will spend hours on the phone with your friends, trying to understand all the reasons that he is not texting you back. You will come up with complex scenarios, rivaling the war games that play out in the White House…
