Published in Human Parts·PinnedSchrödinger’s LonelinessI’m lonely but I’m also not — Wikipedia explains that Schrödinger’s Cat “is a thought experiment that illustrates a paradox of quantum superposition. In the thought experiment, a hypothetical cat may be considered simultaneously both alive and dead as a result of its fate being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur.”…Psychology7 min read
2 hours agoLet’s Pass a Law Barring Men from DrivingDriving isn’t in the constitution, and we must protect life at all costs — Thank God for the recent Supreme Court decision, Dobbs v. Jackson, overturning Roe v. Wade, because now we can finally ban men from driving. Driving isn’t an articulated right in the constitution, and this is a matter of protecting life. According to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, men engage…Law3 min read
2 days agoTo Hell and Back: My Descent into the Inferno of Verizon Wireless Customer ServiceI survived seven hours of Verizon Wireless Customer Service, but barely, and I will never be the same. — Listen, you don’t have to read this — reading about a customer service debacle is about as interesting as hearing someone’s dream. I just needed to write it in order to process what happened to me this week, and because I told Verizon Customer Service over Twitter that this piece…Technology10 min read
6 days agoThe Dating Profile I Really Want to WriteI’m weird. — Below is the dating profile I want to write. My dog Fish will not like you. And he sleeps on the bed. This is a non-negotiable. I don’t care if this means you can never sleep over. I don’t actually want you to sleep over, because I don’t want you…Love4 min read
Jun 13It’s Been 365 Days Since My Endless Crush Ghosted Me, and I am Totally FineA story of survival — Last year, my endless crush, whom I call Rigatoni, and I finally went on a date. Then we went back to his place for “love and other indoor sports” (where my Judy Blume fans at?) and it was great. …Mental Health8 min read
Published in Human Parts·May 31How to Become a Bed Creature™This is the life hacks of all life hacks — I hate it when people give unsolicited advice. For instance, yesterday an old friend walked into my house for the first time, and told me to get rid of all my books because they made the place looked cluttered. “You really like books, huh?” she said, staring at a small…Self7 min read
May 26On Gratitude for a Boring LifeOne weird Monday reminded me that a boring life might be the best life. — On Monday, my dog Fish jumped out a second story window. We were hanging out in the studio above my mother’s garage, and apparently he saw a bird that needed murdering, so off he went. …Dogs7 min read
May 22Diary of Surrender, Week 12: Giving Up on the Diary of Surrender.It’s just not honest anymore. — I’m writing a diary about my year of giving up, although this is the last installment for reasons that become apparent below. You can read about why I gave up here, and the previous week of saying fuck it here. When I first started this strange little project, writing about…Psychology6 min read
May 9A Mathematical Formula to Determine When and How Your Ex Will Circle BackThey’ll definitely circle back, the question is when and to what degree. — All exes circle back. The question isn’t if they will, but when and how. Circle back phenomena can range from de minimis activity, such as liking an Instagram post in an effort to get you to circle back, to showing up on your doorstep screaming and crying. Obviously, the ideal…Love6 min read
May 8The Trauma of the Discontinued Lip GlossTrigger warning: this article discusses the death of several lip glosses and one eyeshadow. — I remember where I was when I learned of the death of Estée Lauder’s Matte Mocha lipstick, a dark, dusty purplish brown that stuck to your lips like a layer of crazy glue. It was 1990, I was in college at a fancy liberal arts school, and my friends and…Fashion6 min read
